Viral Video Face-Off

So I know it’s like immoral (or something like that) to laugh at other people when they are in distress or pitifully trying to be something they’re not (hint: white rapper from Birmingham, Alabama named Krispy Kream). But what about laughing at them through the lens that is YouTube? Does it still mean that we are heartless, immoral bullies that are benefiting off of others' miseries?

Probably, but everyone else is doing it so…

Krispy Kreme – The Baddest

2,655,529 views; uploaded April 2012 (side note: another version of this same video clocked more than 11 million views, but has since been removed)

Okay, so this is the funniest video I’ve ever seen. No, check that, this is the funniest thing I’ve ever seen—probably because it’s an exaggerated version of myself in middle school.

So Krispy Kreme and his friend Mike (the kid holding the BB rifle with the blue Mac Miller shirt) are natives to good old Birmingham, Alabama. I’ve never been to Birmingham, but if these two rappers accurately depict the city, well I’m afraid I’m going to have to leave beautiful Charleston and take my talents to Bama—roll tide…

So before I get too enthralled in my own commentary, let’s get something clear: This is not a joke. Krispy Kreme and Mike are serious musicians trying to make it in the rap game. Krispy’s lyrics are, unfortunately for those who enjoy mainstream rap (myself included), strikingly similar to a lot of contemporary rappers.

0:10: Mike sits on the bench press pointing his BB gun at the camera, while the shorter Krispy stands behind him. For some reason I do not feel safe looking down the barrel of Mike’s gun—even though I’m just watching this through YouTube and he’s only holding a BB gun—the look in Mike’s eyes is straight business.

0:26: If you do nothing else with this video you must pause it at 26 seconds, and see Mike wink at the camera as Krispy spouts out, “I bet you that she call.”

1:01: An up and personal close up on Krispy reveals an astonishing amount of upper lip sweat paired with a runny nose. This may not be the best look for the tough-guy rap persona that he's trying to give off.

1:24: “I made out with so many girls. I made out with every girl in the world.” For some reason I seriously doubt this, but continue…

1:33: Wow. The energy Krispy brings into the chorus literally has me jumping out of my seat. Like literally, I’m typing and jumping around my room dancing to Krispy right now—tell me you’re not starting to feel this.

2:12: “I have 400 mouses, and 400 houses.” Krispy closes his eyes—in the zone, and tells the world that he has 400 mouses and 400 houses. Well, he is probably the only rapper alive who has 400 houses, but he is definitely the only rapper alive that has 400 mouses. At this point, I just can’t put my finger on where the hell all this genius is coming from.

2:45: “And I don’t even carry a gun?” Huh.

2:51: Krispy goes into the final chorus, “But I never ru ru ru ru run… You know that I.” I’m hyped now. Krispy has me ready to fight, dance, chug. Whatever rap music is supposed to do for me, Krispy has done it going into the final chorus. I’ve already bought “The Baddest” from iTunes and the song hasn’t even ended yet.

3:21: “Ughhhhhh Krispy Kreme.” Sounds like Master P’s Make Em Say Ugh.  

3:36: The screen cuts out as we stare down two gun barrels (the first time Krispy points the gun at the camera). Look into those eyes. Y’all can mess with Krispy Kreme and Mike if you want, I’ma just sit over here and nod my head to their beats… as quietly as I can. 

David After Dentist

117,372,808 views; uploaded May 2008

David After Dentist is one of the most watched and most emulated YouTube videos of all time (see one completely un-funny rendition: Bieber After the Dentist). Who could blame the viral video world though? Any video that centers around a concept as genius as a young kid being high after receiving too much anesthesia at the dentist deserves the instant fame of 100 million hits on YouTube.

As I watched the video some thoughts wandered through my head…

0:50: “Do you feel good?” David’s Dad asks. Asking a person who is this high how they feel is not a good idea. In reality, they have no idea how they are feeling, and if they did not intend to feel that way (stoned off their ass) they certainly don’t want to realize how high they actually are.

0:57: David gets anxious and begins to try to free himself from his car seat in attempt to relieve the waves of highness he is feeling. Luckily David is strapped in or else he might end up like this guy who took too big of a salvia bong rip. (Salvia, although legal, is one of the most intense highs imaginable, and really just isn’t that much fun.)

1:02: After that pissed off-child scream that I’m sure all parents recognize, David falls asleep for a half-second, and then declares, “I don’t feel tired.” I haven’t seen mood swings like this since the topic changed from gay marriage to gun control on Fox News’ The O’Reilly Factor.

1:39: “I feel funny. Why is this happening to me?” Oh no, I’ve seen this before. It’s that overwhelming feeling when you can’t handle all the insanity your brain is telling you is going on around you. I wonder what David is seeing? My best guess is… David had replaced John Candy as the coach of the Jamaican Bobsled team from Cool Runnings, and the bald guy with the short temper was charging toward David, after David scolded him for being the weak link in the team. But that’s just a guess.

1:50: The breakthrough happens. David asks, “Is this going to be forever?” To this his Dad chuckles and responds, “No, it’s not going to be forever.” If you pause the video at 1:51, you can see a sort of upside-down smile (not a frown) from David. It’s a wave of relief for David, and in his mind he thinks, “screw it mon, I’m stoned and there’s nothing we can do about it. Jamaican Bobsledding was a terrible idea anyway…”