Oh Whit!

Hey y'all and welcome to this week’s recap of the #1 reason for tourism in Charleston: Southern Charm!

The cast is depressed this week, and so am I, so let’s introduce some positivity in here with the announcement of a new addition to the Southern Charm family: Shep Jr.! I found this little dude in a bush Sunday, and like his namesake, Shep Jr. enjoys eating, sleeping, watersports, and breaking ladies hearts. I’ll let my editor decide how many Shep Jr. pictures you get but welcome to the world buddy!

Shep Jr.!

On to this episode, and really I can only say this: I wish the Southern Charm men had nice, long weaves like the housewives do, because the opening scenes are dying for some finger-waving and weave-shakin!

We learn from editing reveals that in fact Kathryn and Whitney bang-banged enough to where Whitney was likely drawing “I heart K” on his notebooks and chest, so his unrequited love for her is why he now spends 40 hours a week convinvcing the crew that Kathryn’s a psychopath. Gotta hand it to Craig to reveal all of this. Only a Yankee would decide honesty should prevail in the good old South. Bless your heart Craig, you need more manners lessons from Shep.

Whitney is aghast at this suggestion from Craig, and to my astonishment Cameran is too. In fact, I had to do a double-take to ensure I was seeing Cameran and NOT Patricia, because she was too on Whitney’s side to not be his mama. Cameran later reveals this is because they’re now BFFs, but I smell something else there, and it ain’t from Bath & Body Works folks.

You have to admit Craig’s got points when he implores Whitney to say why else he hates Kathryn so damn much, and Whitney can’t do anything but stutter and yell expletives. Although, Craig, you do recall having to hold back Kathryn when she told Whitney to self-stab himself, right? And fair point when Cameran reminds Craig that you even called Kathryn a whore to her face.

Somehow to Craig this is excellent payback for Whitney telling Craig’s parents about his “King of King Street” persona, and I wonder if this is the true reason Craig continues provoking the angry dog that is Whitney. But yeah Craig I think the editing proved that you liked to party too much. I like how Shep quotes Shakespeare’s Hamlet to adequately insinuate that Whitney is too upset over this. After all, Shep banged Kathryn and he could NOT care less about any of this. In fact his solution to this problem is go from his current tipsy state to full drunkenness via champagne, because those sweet sexy-ass bubbles solve all your problems until 5 a.m. when you’ve forgotten what they were in the first place.

I really want to know why Cameran is so backing up Whitney. Is she on retainer? And snaps to Dani for pointing out that the cast puts up with T-Rav but not Kathryn. Girl, don’t you know that Ravenel name buys you eternal acceptance in Charleston? I bet T-Rav could go rob a bank and we would still celebrate him. I love how Craig goes to Drunk Daddy Shep to back him up and Shep is like shut the f*ck up I’m gonna drink now. I’m not mad but everyone else is. 

Everyone calls Whitney back into the porch and Craig gives the “only child apology,” which is a combination of “I'm sorry I got caught,” and “sorry, I'm not sorry.” Everyone goes to bed pissed at Craig; damn Yankee. In the morning Whitney wakes up angry, and I wonder when Craig is getting booted off the Southern Charm cast island. Cameran and BFF Whitney leave ASAP and Landon is like see ya.

We then go to Kathryn’s house where she and Kensie lovingly FaceTime Thomas. I have a theory now: the universe can not handle the entire cast at peace at once, so if Thom-Kat is happy, the rest of the junkyard isn’t and vice versa. So far, I’m not proven wrong.

I’m reminded of seeing extinct animals and obsolete contraptions within museums when I see Thom-Kat behaving peacefully to each other. It’s just such an incredibly odd thing to behold. Kathryn informs Thomas that due to her varying blood pressure levels her due date has been moved up by three weeks. Thomas is as excited as a kid going to Disneyland since this means his child can get out of Kathryn domination; once it’s out of the womb it’s fair game on who makes the decision. Oh, and he wants to meet his son. Nothing personal Kensie.

Back at the cabin, Shep wakes up and admits to Landon he can’t remember 95% of the crap that happens last night. Guess his theory on champagne being the ultimate problem-solver was right. Shep makes instant cinnamon buns, and Craig again brings up the blowout. Man, pull a Frozen and let that shit go. #NewShep refuses to argue with #SupposedNewCraig and is like whatever.

Praise God, the Queen Bee Patricia is still alive! Since Whitney is a 50-year-old man, mama has to go to him to stay in contact apparently. Mama Patricia hates his loft, and I cringed at her ISIS crack. Come on Mama Patricia, you’re educated, you should know that ISIS is hell on Earth and not cool to mock. Patricia refuses to press Whithey on North Carolina though she’s dying to, because the WASP rules force her to refrain. Queen Bee Patricia redeems herself to me because she has FIVE freakin’ engagement rings to give Whitney’s fiance!!! That’s like 45 carats of diamonds, so you know what? Screw it, I am marrying Whitney y'all. Back off betches!!

Whitney tells mama he’s taking the gents on a men’s L.A. trip; Craig is not invited. Mama Patricia makes me squeal with delight when she mentions Craig is JD’s bitch. Lol guess 15K buys no respect nowadays. Damn you inflation!!

T-Rav calls the nanny because his car is full of baby shit from Target and Kathryn won’t answer to let him come and fix it. Girl, if you leave T-Rav with a car full of your baby’s stuff you better be ready for him! Then Dawn, the most sensible person on the show, tells T-Rav that Kathryn is mad because he’s going to L.A. for the guys weekend. Dawn the nanny wisely informs T-Rav that with a due date so close a weekend in L.A. means he couldn’t be home for an emergency. In essence, T-Rav has to stop planning raves and start changing nappies. But T-Rav, possessing the mentality of a three-year-old, thinks Kathryn is manipulating the situation. You have to be at her beck and call, which angers T-Rav, but you know what honey, that’s what a father does. You have to put kids first 24/7. Sorry dude, you wanted them, remember?

Craig tells Naomie he’s going to make up with Cameran, and he tells Naomie he still wants to know what the core issue is. Naomie tells him she’s pissed because she’s tired of hearing about Kathryn’s exclusion and so is everyone else. Craig seems pissed when Naomie tells him the answer is to shut the hell up over it and be like Frozen: let that mother f*ckin sh*t go.

We see Whitney’s pimp L.A. home, and my desire to procreate with him for a 45-carat diamond goes away when he says us Charleston girls are a 6. But we’re nice here honey, bless your heart. T-Rav calls Whitney, who doesn’t get why Kathryn needs him close in case the baby comes early, and Whitney hates how responsibility means T-Rav can’t be his raving partner.

Craig and Cameran meet, and if he thought she was going to be happy, dayum he’s wrong. She’s colder than Antarctica. Why is everyone upset that Whitney was caught off guard? Has Bravo told them that he will turn into a black widow and kill them if upset? Cameran says Whitney doesn’t like Kathryn as a human being and is tired of Craig’s assuming that hatred is romantic. Clothes on the floor mean nothing Craig, absolutely nothing. Now he must make up to Whitney.

T-Rav sends Kathryn sorry flowers, and she laughs at how simple they are. Girl I will take them, but you pay. Whitney calls Shep and explains TRav is out, and Shep, ever so sweetly, invites Craig along. He knows that Whitney loves Craig, so come on pwetty pwetty please? I love how Shep says take the high road, because grudges are for losers. Now we see Sober Daddy Shep, who is begging for his son Craig to be invited to the cool kid’s birthday party. And if he acts up Daddy will kick his ass.

Craig visits Kathryn and tells her he pissed off Whitney on her behalf. She is with Craig in thinking that Whitney’s actions mean he's guilty. Craig tells Kathryn that her days on Southern Charm Island are limited because no one wants to be on camera with her, better yet in the same room. 

Whatever with Kathryn, Whitney’s eating of Larissa’s face proves he’s over it. I mean Whitney got her a Dollar Store Love You balloon and makes her bath while she’s there, so I don’t think Kathryn's on his mind. And when he cooks for her and speaks awful German that rivals Thomas’ abymssal French, you know he loves her. But if Whitney’s “I love you so F*ckin much,” is the best he’s got, go back to Renob, please. Stick to what you know man, and reverse boners it must be.

Craig meets Shep at the Palace Hotel (RIP) and my favorite waitress there serves them food. Come back to me Palace Hotel, my wallet’s calling you. Shep asks Craig how he’s doing and Craig says “you heard from Whitney?” Shep’s like you fo’ real? Craig is like “I was right but said so at the wrong time bra now I ain’t going to L.A.”

Daddy Shep is like nah man I gots you. Whitney’s cool but only because Shep had to move heaven and hell to get black widow Whitney to allow Craig. Shep’s ass is on the line, and he wants everyone to know. As he says “when I donate I want my name all over the place”. Lol, giver. Daddy Shep is the best, he’s all like you do what I say or else no more Palace Hotel food biatch.

Since Cameran and Craig made up, it’s time for Thom-Kat to hate each other, and yep that happens. T-Rav wants to focus on the furniture and Kathryn wants Whitney to help him. LOL. Kathryn is upset that T-Rav wanted to go party, and Whitney was influencing him. She says she needs T-Rav now, and needs him focused on her. T-Rav is like I get it, ok?

Come back next week yall when we go again out of Charleston for awesome sauce!