Founder's Blowout - Southern Charm Recap Season 3, Episode 9

“Although we go, to the end of the road, still I can’t let go, it’s unnatural, you belong to me, I belong to you”- Boyz II Men

Well ladies and gents, boys and girls, we’ve reached the end of our yellow brick road with this season’s peak into the semi-Charmed kind of life. No wizard exists, no one can apparently get along without fighting, sleeping, or scratching each other, and of course fans want more. I am glad this season has ended, if only because I think this year’s editors suck for giving us the worst cliffhanger ever. Let’s recap one more time, for the cheap seats in the back.

We start with the aftermath of what I call the Red Wedding, aka Thomas’ “dinner party.” Cameran uses her magical translation skills to interpret T-Rav. Apparently she’s sanctimonious because she doesn’t want kids; it obviously has nothing to do with her and the other women’s desire to channel Mean Girls this season. But seriously Kathryn’s look when T-Rav starts ripping it into Landon is dynamite. Girl looks like she just won the Hope diamond. But it’s going down when Shep tries to be the real man present and defend the girls. Let’s just say no one can get on Landon’s golf cart quick enough to leave.

Both sides depart to their locations to recamp. God bless Cooper for reminding T-Rav he’s a Ravenel, but apparently status and class are two different things. Do rich people not take elocution and social graces classes anymore? I mean surely T-Rav knows third grade science. Here’s a lesson from a peasant: reptiles have three defining characteristcs: a backbone, being vertebrates and scales. Harvard will be proud of me.

Gotta give it to Shep for being the smart one of the bunch: not only does he allow his hatred of dry cleaning avoid him from bitch-slapping Thomas but he reminds us all that T-Rav has so much freakin food that’s now gonna be wasted. I would tell T-Rav to send it to Africa, but that is a joke.

I kinda agree with the junkyard gang in that T-Rav elaborately set up a promise of food to hide a shade-throwing fest. But really Shep I can’t believe you would forgive T-Rav so easily. There’s a difference between someone saying something to you that can be unintentionally misinterpreted, and someone begging you to jump them so they can thug life you. And really why Landon cares that Shep defends Kathryn? He’s not gonna marry her Landon, he just wants to be friends. He also tells us that Landon always believes she’s 100% innocent, just like the Ravenels. Maybe she could handle marrying T-Rav afterall?

I am now convinced T-Rav was either drunk, high on life, or something else. Dude honestly believes he didn’t lose his composure, yet this dinner was enough for me to call it the Red Wedding? I call shenanigans. Kathryn thanks T-Rav for sticking up for her. Lord have mercy Landon please apologize for whatever Kathryn thinks you did. Girl is starting to lose it and confuse you with Tarzan. I think sanity is leaving the building folks person by person. T-Rav is so damn smooth, inviting Kathryn to stay over. Baby #3 on the way yall!

After the most boring wake up scenes of all, Craig meets JD in his office with a complete “we need to talk” look on his face. Sure enough, he sets up JD for the news that he wants to leave. At least #Newcraig has discovered he wants to be an attorney, but will he stick to it? Degrees are nothing without a passed bar exam. I don’t buy the I cant study bra cause I’m working too much speech; normal adults make the time, to do things like, oh I don’t know, keep the bloody water turned on! I also doubt Craig will get a good reference from JD; he was not upset at all, but was practically shouting the Hallelujah chorus from the rooftops. Dayum, son.

Continuing the theme of heartbreak Cameran goes to therapy for her no kids issue. Cameran’s husband is smart. He takes her make a positive/negative list assignment and gives her the full breakdown. In a nutshell, his life will suck without heirs. Cameran finally realizes what we all know: her husband will eventually want kids or be let down. That’s a lot of pressure, but then again this issue is normally resolved before rings go on fingers.

I am glad Cameran is realizing she fears things; we all do, so I won’t make fun of that. Plus, a kid is a never-ending change. Just make your decisions soon Cameran; it’s not right to deny someone kids if that’s their destiny.

Landon and Shep meet at his new dive nightclub the Commodore; it’s the latest in his empire, and allows him the opportunity to party two blocks in any direction from his home and then walk home in a straight line. They talk about her big reveal, and shep tells her to stop trying to make Fetch happen. He’s got his rejection line down pat- the classic it’s not you it’s me. Landon still has hope; after all who wants to Shep go down the T-Rav way with kids? My hands aren’t raised.

Craig goes home and helps Naomie pick out clothes for the ball. I like them all, and want them all. Craig is scared to tell Naomie he quit his job, but of course he has to. Naomie is my soul mate because I too want things just told to me straight. Craig says he wants to buckle down and get the bar passed. Naomie is in, which is more than me. Then again, I got bills to pay so I would need a paycheck coming in anyway.

Whitney, JD, and T-Rav meet at Sermets, and I realize that at this one table sits a combined 150 years of stupidity. Does Thomas have alzeihmers, or do rich people not worry about their actions? He can’t believe people left after he Jerry Springered them. T-Rav feels he needed to be open with them, since they seem to enjoy nothing more than telling him the truth about him and Kathryn. I like how T-Rav has to repair the damage. Let’s do it with another dinner party yall!

Love the Michael Jackson reference. Perfect choice, since Michael Jackson wanted to be a child forever, and T-Rav acts like a child forever. You go T-Rav!

Everyone gets ready for the ball. At the Ravenels, Kathryn looks like the cat with cream as she showcases to Thomas all of them together, and he hopes the ball can show them in a positive night.

But wait, before the drama, it’s the queen bee Patricia!! She’s revitalizing herself with oxygen treatment, and now I want it. She will be helping Landon get ready for the ball. I want to be Landon now.

The men get their hair did for the ball at JD’s bar, and discuss the Red Wedding dinner party. JD can’t believe Thomas wanted to kill Shep, but Shep thinks it’s because he was defending the women. I agree with JD that the girls need to get together and figure out their problems alone. But then again if they did one is not coming out alive.

Patricia’s stylist comes to landon’s house because Landon still pines for Shep to change his mind. I gotta admit of the 137,246 women in the world with this same attitude Landon is likely to win this game.

Before the ball Kathryn asks T-Rav to stop being around Landon, which I think is fair. If Jennifer upsets T-Rav and Landon does Kathryn, just cut them both out. Thomas says he will, which means he wont after 17 seconds. Remember he seems to be suffering from amnesia folks.

Kathryn does seem to have moments of intelligence. She thinks Landon wants social status which of course can’t be bought in Charleston, which is why she a) got on the show, and b) had Cooper introduce her to high society. She epitomizes gold digging to Kathryn. Oh boy, too much to say.

Before the ball Landon goes to Patricias where she borrows furs and gets advice. I really pray one day Patricia opens a school for finishing purposes. I will go no matter how old I am. Old dogs can learn new tricks Patricia!

The ball commences, everyone is having fun. Shep obviously thinks Landon has moved on, because his date is another friend of hers. I think Landon needs to stop sharing her address book with Shep. When they come in Landon slowly starts losing it, and completely does in her talking head. I feel ya girl. I hope Shep takes good care of you after this episode airs. But I won’t lie I and other women I know were a bit upset with Shep there. Landon clearly is holding on to hope so you need to nicely keep reminding her, not shoving friends in her face. 

The Ravenels arrive, and Kathryn ignores them all even her BFF Jennifer. Jennifer doesn’t care because she knows the T-Rav game, and that he will soon hurt Kathryn. That’s sad.

And because the universe was too happy, the drama begins courtesy of T-Rav. Was this his God-approved mission when he was born, to unravel at 50 and destroy the world? Not only does he hug Landon, oh no: he just has to touch. Her. butt. Jesus Christ.

Man if Kathryn could kill with her head interview look T-Rav would never stray again. Kathryn is mad yall, and Landon is like Please God don’t.

But hell no, Kathryn walks the hell over is like we have a LOT to talk about. Landon is like bring it biatch. And they go outside, with me being thankful for cameras right now.  Life lesson, when someone says it’s not a mean conversation, they want to kill you.

Kathryn starts letting it rip, and damn if Landon isn’t smug looking lol. Between the expletives Kathryn tries to make Landon admit she banged Thomas, but instead goes cray cray and has to leave. Like a kid going to teacher Landon goes and gets T-Rav so they can clear the air.

Landon and Thomas tag team and keep repeating in front of everyone that they never dated, but if you look at everyone else’s eyes they’re like whoa they lying. Landon starts getting defensive and Kathryn will obviously never believe they weren’t an item.

Poor Shep is forced by Bravo to calm down Kathryn and then they have the famous brawl out. Landon denies sleeping with Thomas 3 times and Kathryn says she’s crazy. Ironic phrase of the night when Kathryn says she’s not a 12 year old. Landon epitomizes class by leaving.

The last 30 seconds are intentionally the best, with Robyn telling Shep that Landon should admit she slept with Thomas. Busted chick!!

Have fun everyone, enjoy your lives now that Charm is over. I learned a lot, forgot it all, and now must go back to reality.