Can Dirty Talk Land Your Sex Life in the Gutter?

Dear Carolyn,

My husband and I have a good sex life. We are very attracted to each other, and neither have had a problem with libido or waning interest. We've steadily grown more comfortable with each other, and as a result, have tried new things and dropped some inhibitions. Here's the issue: now, it seems to always revolve around hot, no-holds-barred sex. Dirty talk and all. That's fine sometimes, but I feel like he likes it so much, it's replacing the sentimental, sweet intimacy that we used to have when we weren't so comfortable together. What's the best way to bring this up? I think he'd rate our sex life a 10, and I feel like I'd be disappointing him and bringing it down a notch. But I'd like a little balance.

Thanks,

Karen

Hi Karen,

Being comfortable with each other in the bedroom is one thing—and a very good thing because it’s the only way to ensure you’re both having a satisfying experience. But it sounds like you’re feeling obliged to feed his fantasies in a way that feels inauthentic to you and that creates a barrier to intimacy. Most women have a pretty low tolerance for slut speak because we’re just more interested in sharing what we’re thinking with our partners—not making up some trash Vageena Rose over in the Labia Lounge might say.

My advice? You’ve got to be honest with him and tell him you’ve got to dial back the dirty talk. Of course, you’ll want to begin the conversation with some positive performance feedback to get things rolling in the right direction. Reaching a certain comfort level in the bedroom shouldn’t necessarily entail discomfort for you. I think you’ll be surprised how your honesty will bump up the intimacy in your relationship and he may even be relieved not to put on the Ron Jeremy routine every single time.

Hope that helps.

Yrs,

::Carolyn