THE #BachelorBreakdown: WEEK 1

So, we start out with a little breakdown if you will of Nick’s history on the show. Buckle up, this could take awhile.

Nick is the guy we all love to hate. He was Andi’s season runner up, then returned half way through Kaitlyn’s season and became her runner up, THEN returned to Bachelor in Paradise season 3 and well, they don’t have runner ups or he’d probably be that show’s runner-up too. I mean the dude’s career is literally listed as “Runner Up”.

We are now taken to Wisconsin where we visit with Nick's family to just watch them sit around and look at old family photos while talking about his journey to love. He then takes dating tips from his little sister, who obviously knows more about love than he does since he’s on the show for the fourth time.

And we're back to California! Now we have former bachelor babes Sean Lowe, Chris Soules and Ben Higgins just hanging out together giving Nick advice on how to date 25+ women at once. Hopefully, Nick only takes advice from Ben and Sean, since they’re the only ones still in a relationship with their “final rose” gal! (Call me, Chris!)

Finally, it's show time!

Ahh. The man. The myth. The legend. Chris Harrison. And I’m sure he’s thinking “Really? Nick, again?” But as any good host does, he gives the new bachelor a pep talk about how his life is forever about to change once these girls get out of the limo.

Speaking of… HERE COME THE GIRLS!

We get some corny video intros of girls cleaning their apartments, talking about love and chemistry, wearing crop tops on the beach, starring out into ponds, doing weird things with their cat, walking in the middle of train tracks, roller blading in their bikinis, and ok I give up because I can’t even with some of these intros.

The girls are as expected. Polished hair and makeup, cheesy border line inappropriate one-line greetings, and all wearing red dresses. Like seriously thirteen of the thirty girls were wearing red dresses. And one in a left shark costume, which she later tries to convince us is a dolphin costume. Ok.

After all thirty girls have arrived and made their way to the open bar, we find out the Nick actually not only knows one of the girls already but has had some kind of past relations with this girl. Plot twist! Can’t wait to see everything hit the fan when the other find out about this. (Good job, producers!)

The wine is flowing, the smack talk is starting, and I think some claws are starting to come out.

Chris Harrison brings in the infamous first impression rose, which to bachelor newbies the first rose is like gold. You want that rose. You need that rose. Or maybe don’t want that rose, because typically in the bachelor world getting the first impression rose means you’ll end up going crazy by week 3 and getting left behind on a random island in the Bahamas. But the girls all want it. They can’t stop talking about it, thinking about it, or starring at it, but there’s only one and it goes to Rachel. (not feeling their vibe tbh)

And the claws are officially out. Corrine sweeps in during one on one time with sweet Vanessa just so she can grab the first kiss of the night. I mean the first make out of the night. *Que the girls going crazy.*

Girls are all “can I steal you for a sec” ‘ing left and right. Like is he even getting out one sentence other than “how are you doing?” Why isn’t there a timer that gives each girl like ten minutes to talk to him? Oh, because that doesn’t make for good television.  Girls aren’t getting the time they deserve to talk to him and they don’t like it. WE HAVE TEARS ON NIGHT ONE, FOLKS. I mean I know dating someone who is also dating thirty other girls is probably hard, but seriously you have known him for a total of three hours tops. Stop trying to earn a spot on BIP season 4.

Finally, Nick and Liz (the girl he met/hooked up with previously) get a chance to talk. I think her and America were all a little worried that Nick didn’t actually remember her (awkward) but lucky for her, he did. She claims she is not going to tell the other girls about their history, let's be real, she’s going to unleash that little secret when it’s going to hurt the worst.

It’s now at least 4a.m. and the party is still going. Left Shark (Dolphin?)  is officially drunk. And maybe crazy. Corrine is making moves like it’s her second job, and we officially have two criers. Three criers. This is getting out of control, ladies! Every single girl has “felt the chemistry” with Nick, but I'm not really seeing any kind of chemistry between anyone? Am I wrong?

Chris Harrison walks in. Rose ceremony time! I think the hardest part isn’t who you eliminate, but how you remember everyone’s names on night one? Especially when half of them are wearing the same color dress! The girls’ voiceovers during this rose ceremony are so emotional. I am on the edge of my seat wondering who is going to get a rose. Every time I think, “that girl is gone”, he calls her name. C’mon, Nick.

Final rose and most dramatic moment of the night: does he give a rose to Liz, the girl he has already hooked up with, or does he not? Well spoiler alert, he does. Like I said before, this situation is gonna get good!

We say our goodbyes to Angela, Briana, Ida Marie, Jasmine B, Lauren, Michelle, Olivia, and Susannah. Sad to see them gone so soon, but that's the game of love. 

And that’s it. We’re given a few previews of what the rest of season has to offer: traveling, crying, Corrine getting a little rated R behind closed doors, more crying, some dancing, a past relationship getting exposed, even more crying, and finally, a proposal.

Couldn’t think of a better way to spend my Monday nights.

Don’t forget to pick your favorites in our #BachelorBreakdown bracket online. Bracket closes before the second episode airs on Monday, January 9.

As for my top picks - guess you’ll just have to check out my online bracket for now!

Let the drama begin!